Just when you think that you have your life all figured out, God seems to throw a wrench in your plan. Over the past several years I feel like I have been playing a game. That doesn’t sound too bad, if the goal is only to get to the end of the game. Unfortunately I am a strategist, a planner, so when everything is up to the roll of the die, my strategies are pointless.
I have many sub-goals in my life, but I would say that my life defining purpose is to follow my patriarchal blessing. For those readers who are not of the LDS faith, a patriarchal blessing is a priesthood blessing that any member can receive once in their life. This blessing contains personalized guidance from God to help the receiver achieve their greatest potential in this life and live with our Heavenly Father again in the next life.
Since I received my blessing 10 years ago, I have worked hard to follow the guidance of this blessing. I have fasted, prayed, attended the temple; I have done all things in my power to assure that my life choices were inline with this blessing. That is why I chose at 17 to study physics. That is why I quit my developer job to focus on my physics research. That is why I dropped my second major to graduate a year early. That is why I ended the only positive dating relationship I have ever been in to pursue graduate school. That is why I moved away from my family to study physics at the University of Oklahoma. Everything I was choosing seemed to be right and correct, but after trying so hard to follow “God’s plan for me” that turn ended, and I had to roll the die again.
While I was in Oklahoma life was rough. I was the perfect graduate student. I studied day and night, worked hard as a TA, join a research group early and started doing research in the lab. I made connections in extra curricular groups. I invested in the next 5 to 7 years of my live. Despite all of my efforts to succeed, success just always seemed to be beyond my grasp.
The Roll of the Die
Just after I moved I started to experience major anxiety. Worse than I had in a long time. I was having daily panic attacks. I was quickly rendered unable to be productive at all, and despite all my best efforts, it took months for me to receive professional help.
So with medication and therapy I hoped things would magically get better. A lot of prayers were sent out in desperation, and with time I found an answer. That answer though, was a complete 180 from where I was-a career change. My answer was to quit. I mean not really, I do plan on going back to school and getting a PhD, but not in physics. I don’t know what it will be in, the world of possibilities is endless. That is what scares me.
So at Christmas break I moved home. Well, not really home, my gracious brother and sister-in-law
have allowed me to move into their house as I redirect my life. I have recently taken a job as a QA analyst for a tech company. I hope to use this job to lengthen my coding skills as I search for a new career.
I am now searching for purpose again. I why to know why everything that felt so right for so long was actually so wrong. I want to know what to do with my life; I need a new plan now. Alas, that is not what I need right now. So for the time being I will be in the wilderness, like Nephi, looking for the promised land.